The Sweetest Thing
by shaneo6930
Summary: Sara, Catherine, and Sophia find love in some unexpected places, with unexpected guys! Pairings: SoNic, Grillows, Sandle. Third Chapter is up! Based on the movie. Rated M for language, sexual situations and gross humor.
1. Prologue: Tell Us About Sara Sidle

1**Hi, again! I hope you enjoy this story. It's based on "The Sweetest Thing," a 2002 romantic comedy starring Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate and Selma Blair. I rented it the other day and thought this would be a good story. Some of the dialogue is the same, but I added some situations. The first chapter will be very short and in script form. There is a reason for the M rating. I own absolutely nothing! CSI belongs to CBS and the story belongs to Columbia Pictures. (Please don't sue me. My computer is made of plastic spoons being held together by that blue tape painters use on windows so they don't get any paint on the glass.**

Prologue: Tell Us About Sara Sidle.

**TELL US ABOUT SARA SIDLE**

Guy one: Did you say Sara Sidle? God, I haven't heard that name in years. You know that girl in the club that can get any guy she wants? That's Sara Sidle. We dated. Briefly.

Guy two: Sara Sidle. God what a hot piece of ass! We danced a little. She gave me her number. It's been 2 days. I've seen "Swingers." I know how this works. dials number.

Voice on phone: Hello, and welcome to Moviefone!"

Guy one: Did you know that impotency is common in men after a break up?

Guy three: She said she'd call me back, but she didn't call me back. She should've at least called me back to say that she wasn't gonna call me back. Then I would've known that she wouldn't call...

Guy one: But hey, at least I don't get that dizzy head spinning nausea like I used to! No, I'm just great! Fan-fucking-tastic!

**Well, that's it. Tell me what you think so far. Tomorrow, I'll get chapter one up. It will start off the story. If you've seen the movie, you'll know what to expect. The rest of the story will be in regular form. No flames, please!**


	2. Chapter One: Sexual Revolution

**Sorry for the wait, guys. Here it is, Chapter 1! Once again, I don't own anything. Thanks to my reviewers tinaelin27 and Kayla-Louise. I'm glad you're enjoying it. BTW, the story takes place in San Fransisco.**

Chapter 1: Sexual Revolution

Sara Sidle hopped off of the cable car and started to climb the hill to her apartment building. Her cell phone rang. She saw that it was her best friend Catherine Willows and quickly answered it. "Sara Sidle's cell. Sara Sidle speaking." "Hey, bitch." Catherine answered back.

"Do you always have to be vulgar?" Sara asked.

"Fuck yeah. We still on for tonight?"

"I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"I just feel like sitting at home and ordering a pizza."

"Well, you know what you're gonna have to do, don't you?"

"Girl, I've been shaking my thang all the way up this hill! A few more feet won't hurt."

Sara danced up the hill and met Catherine at the top. They continued to mock dance till they got to Sara's building.

They walked up the 2 flights of stairs to get to Apartment 3. They opened the door and were hit by a brick wall of bad music. "You like 'It's Raining Men?'" Catherine asked. "No, It's Sophia. She loves this song." Sara said referring to her roommate Sophia Curtis.

The 2 girls walked into the living room to find Sophia crying on the couch. A carton of ice cream in one hand, a book in the other. "Kevin. Dumped. Me." she said in between sobs. "Oh, sweetie." Sara said, lending a comforting arm. "He said that I was too needy and that I was just good for a quick fuck." Catherine sat down on the other side of Sophia. "What a dick."

"I wish I could be like you guys," she said. "What do you mean?" Cath asked. "I mean that you can get any guy you want. All you have to do is step out of the door and there are a hundred guys waiting for you. It's like your life is an episode of The Bachelorette." "You can have that too." Sara said. Just come out with us tonight. "We're going to Club Storm. There are always quality guys there. I'm sure you'll find someone." Cath added.

"And don't go looking for Mr. Right. Just look for Mr. Right Now. And maybe in time, that 'now' part will fall off." Sara said.

An hour later, the three ladies were walking up to the front door of Club Storm. "Hey, Eduardo!" Catherine and Sara screamed. "Sara, Catherine!" He looked quziclally at Sophia. "This is Sophia." Sara said, introducing her. "Go on in, ladies." He said, lifting the velvet rope. The people in the line protested. "Why did you do that?" "I've been here over an hour!" Eduardo gave them a mean look and screamed "SHUT UP!" They did.

**Sorry for the sudden ending. The next chapter will have the girls' adventures in the club, an explanation on why girls go to the bathroom together, and a couple of romances start. Please review! No flames, please.**


	3. Chapter Two: Dancing Queen

**Hey guys. Thanks for the awesome reviews. I just bought a copy of this movie, and have watched it 10 times since Saturday. I'm going with a little bit of the unrated material in this chapter. Here we go!**

Chapter Two: Dancing Queen

The three ladies walked into Club Storm. As they descended down the staircase down to the dance floor, Sophia was caught off guard by a barely clothed woman dancing in a closed room. She stood on the step, staring at the woman until Catherine walked over and dragged her away.

Catherine and Sara danced on the dance floor while Sophia sat down on a waterbed-like bench. After about 2 songs, Cath and Sara ran over and tacked Sophia. A waitress walked over and handed Catherine and Sara martinis. "Thank you." Sara said. "Thank the gentleman at the bar," the waitress said. They looked over and saw a guy with shaggy dark hair spin around.

"Ooh, Leather Jacket Guy is looking cute." Catherine said. "Not that bad to look at." Sara stated. "SHOTGUN!" Catherine called out as she got up.

Catherine walked up to the guy as he turned around. "Hi." Catherine said. "Hi." LJG said. "What's up?"

"Nothing. What's up with you?"

"Nothing. What's up with you?" This conversation went on for 5 minutes before Catherine grabbed LJG and they started making out.

"So, Sophia, you having fun?" Sara asked. "Oh, sure." Sophia answered. "My boyfriend just dumped me. I'm in this club, not having any fun, and I want to go home." "No. What you need right now is a transition guy. And we're gonna find you one." Sara said, pulling Sophia up. Right then a guy with short blondish hair walked buy. Sara grabbed his behind. "Whoa!" he said. "Hi." Sara said sheepishly. "What's you name?" she asked. "Greg." He answered. "Greg, meet Sophia. You two would be perfect for each other." Sara said, pushing them together. "Sophia, I'm not trying to be rude, but I have some friends waiting. I've gotta go." he walked off.

"You see?" Sophia said. "I scared that guy off." "No you didn't Sophie. That guy was a dick." Sara said. Right at the word "dick," Greg turned around and walked back over. "I'm sorry. What did you say?" Sara's face turned red as a beet. "I didn't say anything." she said, once again, sheepishly. "Yes you did. You just called me a dick." Greg said, angrily. "How am I a dick?"

While Greg and Sara argued, Sophia's attention was caught by a guy in the corner. He was waving her over. After getting tired of listening to the fight, she went.

"I can't believe you!" Greg almost yelled. "First you grab my ass, then you try to pawn me off on your friend--" "I wasn't suggesting you two get married, I just thought you two could get it on." Sara said defensively.

"What if I was a psycho serial killer?"

"And what if Sophie was the girl of your dreams? And you'll never know."

"You know what? I don't have to take this anymore. Goodbye."

"Who does that guy think he is?" Sara said to nobody. "Sophie?"

In the bathroom, Sara was talking to Catherine. "Can you believe that guy?" Sara asked. "Well, you did grab his ass." Catherine said, while putting on lipstick." Meanwhile, a girl behind Catherine was comparing her breasts to Catherine's. "They're fake!" Catherine yelled. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stare." the girl said. "It's okay. It's why I bought 'em. Wanna touch them?" Catherine asked. "I couldn't." the girl said, shyly. "Go ahead." Sara advised. "She likes it." At this, the girl grabbed Catherine's left boob. "Wow! It feels so real! Jane, Come feel this!" the girl yelled. Another girl came over and grabbed her other one. "Un-fucking-believable!"

While the grabfest was going on, Catherine and Sara continued their conversation. "This Greg guy knows nothing about me!" "Oh, my god! You've named the puppy." Catherine said surprised. "No I didn't." Sara said, feeling guilty.

Meanwhile, 2 guys walked by the bathroom door just in time to see the group of women grabbing Catherine's boobs. "This is why girls always go to the bathroom together!" one of them said, as he held the door open a little to see.

"Now I just want to dance." Sara said, as she opened the door, which pushed the 2 guys back and into Greg, as he was walking by. Greg spilled his drink all over himself. "Oh my god! I'm so sorry!" Sara said, panicking. Catherine walked out of the bathroom. "Hello, Greg." she said, coyly.

"Hey, Eric!" Sara said from across the bar. "2 beers, please." "Seriously, ma'am. You don't have to so this." Greg said. Sara brushed this off. "Yes, I do. I feel bad for making you spill your drink." They got their drinks and moved to the dance floor. "Thanks, again." Greg said, and left Sara alone. A waitress walked by, and Sara handed her the drink she was holding. "Could you please take this? Thanks."

Greg doubled back. "Should I be upset that my ex has her tongue down that guy's throat?" he asked, gesturing toward Sophia who was violently making out with the guy she met just 10 minutes earlier. "Oh, my god!" Sara said, laughing. "You know that could've been you." she said. "Yeah, I do." Greg answered. "If I wasn't such a dick."

"You're not a dick. I was just pissed at the time."

"Well, you are the one grabbed my ass."

"I didn't grab. I pinched!"

"You full on grabbed me! I'll walk by again, and you can show me."

Right then, a loud voice came from the other side of the bar. "Where are ya, bro?!" Greg suddenly yelled "I'm coming!" and then looked over at Sara. "I've gotta go to my brother." "It looks like he's coming to you." Sara said, as the man made his way through the crowd, followed by two drunk girls. "Greg, I got the room!" the man said. "Sara, I'd like you to meet my brother David." Greg said, introducing the two. "Oh, yes! You are so hot!" David said, stumbling his way toward Sara. Greg intercepted. "Oh, no you don't." he said. "Bring her to the party!" David slurred. "We're down here from Sommerset to a bachelor party for David." Greg explained. "It's at the Four Seasons in the Freddie Mercury suite. Bring your friends." He finished

"I don't think so. I'll tell my friends about it." Sara said. "Cool. I'll see you there." Greg called out. "And if I don't, have a nice life."

**Finally! I got the second chapter done! I've been working on it forever! Sorry for the wait. I hope you liked it. Who knows when the next chapter will be. It is gonna deal with a very good dream (For Sara) and a mysterious stain. See you next time! And remember, I own nothing, so please don't sue!**


	4. Chapter Three: Dreamweaver

**Hey again! Sorry for the wait. In this chapter, what's in italics is a dream. I'd like to thank you all for putting my little rip-off story in your favorites list, but could you please review? I just wanted to ask you guys that. On with the chapter. The paragraphs in italics are part of a dream sequence. Once again, I own nothing!**

Chapter Three: Dreamweaver.

Sara fell onto her couch with a thud. She pushed the play button on her answering machine. "YOU HAVE 2 NEW MESSAGES," the mechanical voice announced. "MESSAGE ONE:" "Hey, it's Catherine. Just calling to tell you that I'm at the party with leather coat guy and if you're at home listening to this, it means you were too chickenshit to track down Greg, cause you are a loser!" Sara hit the erase button. "MESSAGE TWO:" Catherine started doing a beat box noise. "What up, all you bitches and ho's and losers! All the losers in da house say yea!" Sara hit the off button.

"Well, I could still go." Sara said to herself. She looked at the clock on the wall. 2:30. "Too late." she yawned as she fell back onto her bed, falling asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

_Sara was sprawled out on a bed, flailing her arms in ecstasy. Suddenly, the covers lifed and Greg poked his head out from underneath and giggled._

_"That was AMAZING!" Sara said, breathing hard. "If you don't mind, I'd like to do that every hour on the hour for the rest of our lives." he asked politely. _

_"Fine by me." _

_"And don't worry about returning the favor. Men HATE oral."_

_Sara sat up in bed. "Yeah, right." she scoffed. "No, I'm serious!" Greg protested. "It's a very very very bad rumor that got started sometime in the 50s and it got out of control!"_

_Sara was flabbergasted. "I had no idea! I've gotta tell my friends." she said in complete disbelief. Greg sat up beside her. "Please do. Someone's gotta put an end to this madness." he said in his a public service announcement like voice._

_Just then, the couple heard a knock at the door. "Room service!" a male voice yelled out. Sara covered herself up. "Come in!" Greg yelled out._

_A bellhop (Complete with stereotypical outfit) came in, pushing an enormous cart of ice cream. Sara looked at the cart with awe. "I had them remove all of the calories for you." Greg said. "You are very good!" Sara told him as she picked up a bowl overflowing with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce. _

_"I know I said that I wanted to do that every hour, but may I do it again? Please?" he pleaded. "Okay." Sara said with a mouth full of ice cream. The bellhop left the room as Greg went back down._

Sara awoke from her dream with a snap. "Woah." she sighed, Joey Lawrence style. "Awesome dream." she said as she picked up the phone and dialed 411.

"Yes, I'd like a listing for the Four Seasons Hotel in San Fransisco, California, please." The line started ringing. "Four Seasons Hotel. How may I help you?"

"Do you have a Freddie Mercury suite?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Could you please connect me to it?"

"I'm sorry. The people in that room have checked out."

"Okay, thank you." Sara said as she hung up.

Suddenly the phone started ringing. "Hello?" She answered, nervously. "Oh, hey, Catherine. Yeah, I'm on my way."

On a Chinatown street, Sara stood with Sophia, discussing her dream. Behind them, a cable car screeched to a halt and Catherine stepped off. "You two better stop talking shit about me!" she said jokingly.

"So what's happening here?" she asked. "I'll meet you guys at the restaurant." Sophia said. Sara looked into Sophia's bag. "Hey, isn't that the skirt you borrowed from Catherine last night?" She asked. "Yes. I'm just going to get it cleaned."

"Why? What did you do to it?" Catherine asked questioningly. "Can't I be a good friend and have her friend's skirt cleaned? Sara snatched it out of Sophia's bag. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the sliver dollar sized white stain in the center of the garment.

"Holy shit!" Sara exclaimed as she passed the skirt over to Catherine. "You slut!" she screamed. "Is that what I think it is?" Sara was quick to answer the redundant question. "Yep. That there's 100 percent San Fran man chowder!"

Sophia snatched the garment away. Please! I'm nervous as it is! What am I going to say when I get in there?" Catherine ventured a guess. "Mr. Martin, could you please help me with my jizz!?" Sophia walked away. "You guys suck!" she yelled behind her back. "No, obviously you do!" Sara and Catherine yelled back.

Sophia rounded the corner into Mr. Martin's Dry Cleaning Shoppe. Once inside, she was relieved to find the counter unmanned. She ran in, laid the skirt down and left a note saying when she'd be in to get it.

As she left, a small elderly Chinese man stood up from behind the counter. "Hello, Sophia!" "Hi, Mr. Martin." she called back in a nervous cheerfulness.

"How's your mother?"

"Oh, she's good. Everybody's great!" she said as she tried to leave.

"How's your grandmother?"

"Everybody's great!" she said forcefully.

"So, what have we got here?"

"Oh, just a skirt." she said. "Don't rush it. I'll pick it up next week."

"Any stains?" Martin said as he picked up the skirt."Um, no." she said. "Then what's this?" Martin asked, pointing at the white splotch. Sophia walked over to the counter.

"Oh, that?" She said innocently. "I must've sat in some gum."

"No, Sophie. This isn't gum." Martin said scratching at the stain. "You know, if I know what it is, it's easier for me to remove."

Right then, a group of children came in with their teacher. "Now, class, on today's field trip," the teacher announced, We are gonna learn about cleanliness!" The teacher looked at Sophia, who was hiding behind her long blond hair. She moved Sophia's hair back. "Sophia Curtis?!" She squealed. "Fuck." Sophia muttered under her breath. "I haven't seen you since I taught you in the third grade!" Sophia's face turned beet red as Martin scratched some of the stain off and smelled it, trying to figure out what it was.

**That's it for this chapter! Next, we're gonna hear about Sophia's date, and the girls will sing a song about how they make their dates feel adequate in bed. This is the first of a series of movie parodies. Next will probably be a Greg/Sara version of the "Hitcher" remake. If you guys have other ideas, I'm open to them! Good bye for now!**


	5. Chapter Four: Too Big To Fit In Here

**Hey again! I'm back with the new chapter! Same warnings apply. I don't own anything! Lyrics are "The Penis Song" written and preformed by Selma Blair, Christina Applegate, and Cameron Diaz. It's from the movie.**

Chapter Four: Too Big To Fit In Here

Sara and Catherine sat in the restaurant talking and waiting for Sophia. "So, how was the party last night?" Sara asked. "Oh, my God. I can't believe I didn't tell you this." Catherine said. "There was this guy who went all psycho! He climbed up on the balcony and screamed 'SARA! HAS ANYONE SEEN MY LITTLE SARA?!' Then he jumps and dies because you're a wimp! Why didn't you go?"

"I don't know. I was going to go, but I didn't. I did call his room this morning."

"You did? What did he say?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?""

"That's right. He wasn't there." Sara said with a hint of disappointment. "But even if he was, I mean, what difference does it make? He probably won't even remember me. And if he did, he'd probably invite me to his brother's wedding, cause it's his brother getting married and not him, which means there's only a small possibility that he isn't taken."

"Let's rewind this a little bit." Catherine said. "First we grab the guy's ass, then we hate him. Then we spill beer on him. Then we turn him down. This is where it get interesting. We call him the next day, casually of course, and then we obsess about said call. Is that right?"

Sophia walked up to the table. "How'd it go?" Sara asked. "Don't even ask."

"So," Catherine asked, "Did you have fun last night?"

"Yes!" Sophia answered enthusiastically. "You guys were right. A transition guy was just what I needed."

"So, how was 'it?'" Sara asked.

"Average-ish." Sophia answered.

"What did you tell him?" Cath asked, continuing this interrogation.

"What do you mean?"

"What do we always tell the guy no matter what?"

"Oh, yeah. 'Oh my God! Your penis is so big!"

"Good girl!" Catherine cheered.

Sara picked up a glass and cupped it with her hands. "Your penis is so thick!"

Catherine joined in: "Your penis is so pretty!"

"YOU'VE GOT A HANDSOME DICK!" They all said together.

"Your penis is so hard!" Sara said, knocking on her cup.

"Your penis is just so long!" Catherine chanted, holding her chopsticks apart.

"My body is a movie..." Sophia sang, standing up.

"And your penis is the star!" the other two stood up, joining her. All three ladies sat back down.

"You're too big to fit in here." Sara sang pointing to her crotch.

"You're too big to fit in here." Catherine sang, slapping herself on the bottom.

"You're too big to fit in here." Sophia sang, covering her mouth.

Suddenly, a guy in the back of the restaurant, who had heard all of this, started banging out a tune on his keyboard that sounded like "I'm Too Sexy."

"Oh, my god! We're in 'Fame' right now!" Catherine said with a hint of glee. All three girls stood up and started singing. **(It's helpful if you listen to the song while reading this.)**

What a lovely ride

Your penis is a thrill

Your penis is a Cadillac

A giant Coupe De Ville.

Your penis packs a wallop

Your penis brings a load!

And when it makes delivery,

It need it's own zip code!

900Penis!

You're too big to fit in here!

Too big to fit in here!

Too big to fit in here!

Your penis is so strong!  
Your penis is so smooth!

Your penis got a rhythm

Your penis makes me groove!

Your penis is a dream!

It's the biggest one I've seen!

It's oozy and it's green!

Eeww!

Sorry!

You're too big to fit in here!

Too big to fit in here!

Too big to fit in here!

Your penis is so big

Your penis is so thick!

Your penis is so pretty,

You've got a handsome dick!

Your penis is so hard!

Your penis is so large!

My body is a movie,

And your penis is the star!

Starring: Your penis!

The girls sat down. "I can't believe we just did that!" Sara said. "I know, what was the deal with that?" Sophia asked no one in particular.

**Okay, I know it wasn't the most creative way to do it, but I wanted to get the song in there. Just go to YouTube and look it up to hear the song. Next chapter, we'll be focusing on Greg and his brother Hodges. Review like always! Bye.**


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